Lately I feel like I've been growing up too fast. Today I met with someone I hadn't really hung out with for a while, and it was just very strange to see how different he was from the sweet kid who used to put his arm around his mother when they took daily walks. Now I hear that he hardly ever goes home. I don't know, but it felt like something was lost that couldn't ever come back.

I think of his mother, and then my mother, and then how lonely she might be when the house is empty. It's almost enough to make me cry. I remember in elementary school, I would worry about starting middle school because it meant that my mother would have to eat lunch in the afternoon by herself. I think she's the kind of person who has to keep herself busy to keep from feeling lonely.

I worry about my mom a lot. More than I worry about myself. She always puts other people above herself and lets my dad and her friends push her around, which eventually leads to a massive and terrible breakdown.

Right now I'm scared that when I go away for college, I'll lose this sentiment and stop caring. When do kids stop caring about their parents and start thinking of them as a burden? I want to be able to remember the feeling I used to have holding her hand when we walked to the supermarket. I remember when I was little there was a time I had a fever and lost my voice, and I called out for her for the longest time but my voice wouldn't come out. I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe, until she somehow heard me and came in to cradle me in her arms. Every time I think about this, I feel humbled and my heart just cracks the tiniest bit, because I know that one day she won't be able to come back to me no matter how hard I cry.

I want to grow up, but at the same time I want to stay the way I am. I feels like I'm losing something that I can't ever get back.

-stop reading so much celebrity gossip (i've tried to quit several times now -__-... oh dear)
-stop being so bitchy
-be more honest
-organize my junk
-organize my room. seriously. because i think the curtains have not been pulled up in a month
-read more educational books. ps: national geographic does not count
-do more chores for my mom
-put more effort into everything
-stop procrastinating
-bike more. because my carbon footprint says it would take 2 1/2 earths to support my lifestyle
-write more to-do lists
-actually do the to-do lists
-be more assertive
-be more balanced

yes that should cover it

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